Be the Love 💕

Here's where the Good Heart comes in.

Friendly Warning: If you’re not into reading about abuse dynamics, depression, or suicidal ideation, it might be best to skip this one. Hope I catch you next time, cutie. <3

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When you enter my apartment, the first piece of art that greets you is this wonderful piece by my friend art twink (I love you, friend 💖).

A beautifully serene person sits with their legs crossed and pets an equally serene tiger-like creature sitting in their lap. The sleepy creature has a simple message for us: be the love u never received

Those little paper crafts in the corner are art projects my niece made for me. 💖

I saw the piece for the first time in 2018. The instant my brain read that message I was overwhelmed with emotion, memory, and, most importantly, hope. Tears poured out and warmth spread throughout my chest. A spark of self-love. From that moment on, be the love u never received became my core principle, daily practice, and guiding light. After five years of living by this maxim, love flows from me freely, openly, and endlessly. Love is my default and I only aspire to love more and better as time goes on. But, it wasn’t easy to get here. I failed spectacularly and often, not knowing what healthy love was.

Our parents set the template for our relationships and how we should love. Unfortunately, the template my parents created for me was fucked up and warped beyond recognition. Without going into too many gory details, their relationship was incredibly toxic. Based on my parents’ template, love was worth fighting for because it was a constant battle. To love was to suffer and true love was staying put in that shared misery. Relationships were shit eating contests, so, even if you won, you were still a fucking loser who ate a bunch of shit. These lessons, unsurprisingly, made me even more desperate for love. That desperation combined with a complete lack of defenses set my bar for love in the 9th circle of hell, so I fell for any asshole slightly better than Satan.

Biblically speaking, Lucifer was fine as hell. So… who can blame me?

Each abusive relationship took its turn grinding me down until there was absolutely nothing left. I was just a shell for people to put their wants, desires, and genitals into. I was absolutely fucking miserable, but that’s what love meant to me, sacrificing myself to keep the relationship alive. After my last abusive relationship ended, I was deeply depressed and battled intense suicidal urges. I knew our separation was for the best, but after three years of denying my own needs, I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted anymore. All I knew was that if I didn’t fill this void with my own sense of self, another abusive person would come along and fill it for me. As a reluctant viewer of early 2000s Lifetime Channel programming, I knew that I was incredibly lucky to survive an abusive relationship - and I might not be so lucky the next time.

The end of that relationship signaled the end of love as I knew it. And while that was devastating, it was the beginning of something wholly transformative and beautiful. I scrutinized my fundamental knowledge of love and realized it was all useless, except for two things: treat others as you want to be treated and be the love u never received. I grew up Christian, and while I don’t go to church or have the same beliefs anymore, I still appreciate the Golden Rule. Unfortunately, that rule could not be the sole foundation for my concept of love. Treat others as you want to be treated hinges on a healthy perception of self and mine was completely fucked. (The rule is also a bit self-centered since it’s assuming that other people want whatever I want, but that’s a different essay.) be the love u never received prompts you to think about what you desire, imagine those desires in action, and then tells you to conjure all of that love within yourself. As an abuse survivor, this is such a powerful reminder that I have the ability to determine what I want and can provide that for myself.

bell hooks writes in all about love - the anthology where she lets everyone know that we don’t know shit about love - “Self-love cannot flourish in isolation.” Even though this journey was something I needed to start from within, I still needed the love of my friends and (select) family to actually make this rehabilitation effective. I am eternally grateful for their patience, faith, and forgiveness as I slowly healed into a decent human being and friend.

be the love u never received has helped me create love that is secure, kind, and patient. A love full of grace and understanding. Love filled with laughter, joy, and hope. Love with healthy boundaries and conditions that keep all parties safe and happy. As the love I became turned into the love I enjoy daily from my community, myself, and the universe, I had to change my mantra of be the love u never received to the more accurate be the love.

Part of me wonders if the little tiger creature would be opposed to the alteration of their commandment, if they would be upset that my stay with them and their caretaker was only temporary. But, if I have learned anything from their wise words, I know that they would be proud I have moved on and grateful that our short time together provided a safe haven before I continued on with my journey.